~ V e i l e d m o o n ~ REFINISHED XD

[Vei]

Veiledmoon
Veiled = Hidden or Shrouded
Moon = A large object orbiting our planet

Gender: Female (She-cat)

Age: 26 Moons

Position: Queen

Quick Description
~~~~~~~~~~
Gray shaded fur with black mask and sapphire blue eyes.


Appearance
~~~~~~~

Body	Pelt	Face	Eyes
Thin and tall, that's her style, making her stand out against the crowd on top of other attributes. Small paws added onto her sleek body makes her stealthy and sneaky when she isn't so clumsy to trip over her own paws. A well rounded face gives her features the space they need to be normal and vibrant. A long tail drapes down after her small body, giving her a taller and longer appearance then the average cat. Being mostly short haired, specific spots are now and give her a cloud-like or wispy appearance.	A dark body hides this femme in dark spaces, this main color being gray, a plain gray, but with the help of other colors, this gray doesn't seem so dull and boring. Working down her long legs, nearing her paws, a gentle, almost white grey meets you and runs the rest of the length, all the way down to her paw pads. Moving back up and down her tail, this remains the regular shade of gray but the length of fur here lengthens a bit, giving her tail a fluffy texture like a cloud.	Chin, that same 'boring' gray but suddenly, as you go up to meet her pretty gaze, it darkens just below her muzzle and turns a sudden pitch blackness. Standing up quite brightly, is a small pink nose, unlike those cats with black faces that have black noses. Spouting in a gentle arc from her muzzle are transparent whiskers, unnoticeable under most cases unless of course, you're face to face. Passing her eyes, you work your way to her ears, cutting off the black, the original gray returns at the base of her ears. These ears are fairly normal and tufted, keeping that wispy look to her.	Resting your eyes upon hers, you find these strike out above everything. A piercing but gentle blue gaze returns yours and only the nicest things will you usually see from them. Swirls of light blue and dark blue dot and speckle them, giving them a more vivid look and a more unique view. Soft obsidian black outlines them to make them stand out further.

Persona
~~~~~

Secretive +

Veiledmoon doesn't like to share all the 'gossip' or create chit-chat that could end up making her tongue slip out a huge secret or a small one even, she just doesn't want them to come out. She's been entrusted with quite a few secrets and never has revealed them and doesn't plan on ever revealing them. It's her business, between herself and the cat(s) involved. She'll often offer a troubled looking cat someone to talk to so they can get some stress off of their shoulders, even though it just adds more stress to her, a big enough problem on its own.

Stressed -

She is also very stresed and some of it is over pointless things while some is also from listening to others admitting things to her they wouldn't usually admit. She loves to help but often, she can't sleep because of so many upsetting thoughts buzzing around in her head. She worries a lot more because of it and often will fuss over where her kits are or if they're okay. There are few that can ease her stress but it usually isn't enough to make her feel well enough to relax, she's always on edge and over sensitive.

Graceful +

Even though she's got long legs which most cats trip over, her clumsy phase is over. She's learned quite well how to keep her paws from tripping her and is pleased with herself for finally mastering that. This grace allows her to run without crashing into the forest floor and over all, makes her a great hunter. She also enjoys a good race here and there to get some fresh air or to simply have a good time.

Friendly + / Trusting +

Veiledmoon is also very friendly as well as trusting, mostly due to how good she is with her words. She likes to help others and show as much kindness as she can, trying to get rid of bad memories by creating happier ones to replace them. This seldom ever works but she still wants to be respected a bit and shown kindness back, so she keeps a friendly smile on her face; and always asks how everyone is doing. However, due to her irritable side, Veiledmoon sometimes has a hard time keeping cool, though she usually tries her best to remain polite.

Suffer in Silence - / Tries keeping to herself -

This femme keeps everything in and rarely does she ever talk to someone to get it out. She will keep all of the bad and good but the bad seems to dominate her thoughts and will drive her somewhat crazy until she finds some way to let her anger or sadness out, be it random or in a circumstance that suits her feelings. After awhile it all builds until she has a mental break down and she sort of shuts down and wants to hide.

Short temper -

She also has a short temper and hates being wrong, which she often won't admit. Even the smallest thing can make her snap, though she wasn't always this way, she used to be quite calm constantly. She especially gets mad when she's told things that dogpile her with stress, which she already has issues with. Her short temper often breaks when it shouldn't,
over really simple things but she usually makes it go away before it gets out of hand.

Quirks	Weaknesses	Reasons	Strengths
~ Cleans her pelt constantly ~ Twitches her ear when she says the name of cats she doesn't like	~ Can't take verbal attacks ~ Smaller paws don't do much damage in battle ~ Buttons are easily pushed ~ Will do anything to spare her family pain or death	~ Verbally abused as a kit ~ Small paws and light weight do little damage ~ Can send her over the edge and make her blind with rage ~ Would kill to keep her family safe	~ Runs quickly and smoothly ~ Knows when to back down

Skills
~~~

Good	Bad
~ Sneaking ~ Hiding ~ Running ~ Hunting ~ Counselling	~ Fighting ~ Taking Charge ~ Waking early ~ Standing up    for herself

Likes/Dislikes
~~~~~~~~
Dislikes

• Rivers
• Insults
• Fighting
• Threats
• Leaf-bare
• Snow

Likes

• Night sky
• Racing
  
• The moon
• Happy Families
• Hunting with others

History:
Pre-HiddenClan
Veiledmoon... her history is no pleasant one. Being young when she arrived in HiddenClan, you can only imagine that if a kit as young as her has a terrible history, something went terribly wrong in the first couple of moons of her life. Well, her parents, who she has little recollection of, hated kits... and her being born was a total accident and they clearly expressed that by naming her Mishap but pronounced it Mish-ap so she wouldn't understand. Well, her father was a twisted, twisted tom and vigorously and ruthlessly 'trained' little 'Mishap' and one little noise out of her, that resulted in claws scoring down her back but not deep enough to leave scars or being verbally abused until she was curled up into a ball on the ground crying. Her father also did other.. gruesome, wrong things no father should ever do... Her mother was not much better, but no where near as bad, she simply hardly ever fed her and was shooing her away constantly, but being a new mother that didn't even want kits, can you blame her? Well after two and a half moons, she ran away as best she could, being small and defenseless. Running until she tripped and crashed to the ground, she cried and cried, wanting parents that actually loved her and wanting some food for once. Well, naturally, her cries were heard and she hid in a bush, veiled in a wispy fog and in a few moments, Drippingcloud had found her. Drip was a very calm and nice cat and found her way into 'Mishap's' field of trust.
Welcomed to HiddenClan
Bringing her back to the camp, she was warmly welcomed and within moments, claimed by a friendly she-cat named Ivorystrike and her mate, Sedgemask. Then, living happily with her adopted family, she tended to run into trouble sometimes.
Kithood
Well, still very new to the clan, she didn't fully understand the rules and naturally, broke a pretty important one. Her aunt Drippingcloud had been talking with her before she'd had to leave on a patrol. Well, Veiledkit had wanted to surprise her and show her how good at tracking she was and attempted to follow. Alas, being a kitten, her tracking was terrible... and she ended up not only not finding Drippingcloud, but finding a hungry fox. Naturally, she screamed and bolted, Drippingcloud came to her rescue. Drippingcloud attempted to fight it at first and demanded Veiledkit to hide, which she did quite expertly before running home to get help. She wasn't sure how Drippingcloud had done it but when she entered camp, there was another clanmate with her that Veiledkit didn't recognize that appeared to have helped Drip defeat the fox or at least escape.
Also, she told her adopted grandfather her little story, about her dad and lets just say Shadowrain... he was MAD! He didn't get mad at Veiledkit, StarClan forbid! He was quick to calm himself. Shadowrain loved Veiledkit and immediately asked her to take her to where they lived. Tracing back that terrible day's journey, found a spot with one hopeful memory. Some odd rocks... a butterfly... and a rabbit. This rock reminded her of when she'd played with a rabbit and a butterfly when she was very little and brightened her spirits. Coming across her old 'home,' her happiness faded and she told Shadowrain which one was her father and begged him not to hurt her mother, even though she hadn't been great, she'd never been horrible. Shadowrain obliged to her plea and sent her back towards the territory. She hid in a bush she'd been found in and soon, her grandfather returned, done with what he'd come to do.... Smeric was dead... and Veiledkit... free of worry.
Apprenticeship
Upon receiving her apprentice name and getting Shadowrain as a mentor, a new era of memories has opened and some have already dotted this young cat's mind. First memory? Her first day of training.... now don't think it was great! It honestly wasn't. Still growing and getting used to her body, her long legs constantly tripped her and made her stumble. Now, Shadowrain encouraged her to try and hunt, praying in his mind to StarClan, begging them to let her catch her first prey, he pointed out a squirrel to her after teaching her a proper Hunters' crouch. She jumped and.... ate dirt... no prey caught, just a dirty pelt and a mouthful of dirt. This made her mad, very mad and she growled in annoyance, glaring at her paws and calling them stupid. Of course, her mentor guided her away from it and took away her attention from it and tested her on how much she knew about fighting. She wasn't so great at that either, falling onto the ground a few times and stumbling over her own legs. Still frustrated, Shadowrain pressed her to try hunting again. Mentor knows best so she did. Well this time, she jumped again and stumbled, not crashing to the ground like last time though she did, yet again, trip over her paws. StarClan knows how but she managed to sloppily catch a squirrel. Ecstatic with happiness, bounced back to camp with her kin following proudly. Naturally, she wanted to boast to her parents but couldn't find them but has a mental note to tell them.
Later, upon going on a walk with her mentor, they found an intruder. She was told that it was a NatureClan cat and they quickly intercepted him. Shadowrain got very defensive of her, which agitated Veiledpaw, not liking being treated like a kit. Eventually, the cat left and Veiledpaw rounded on her mentor angrily. Running off, stopped when he yelled at her to come back, first using her anger to catch a mouse, then she walked back to him in frustration, not wanting to get in trouble. Then, throwing the prey at him, his response was, "I should kill you right now if I wasn't so proud!" This made her snap! He just said something he considered a joke that Veiledpaw considered a threat on her life. She was terrified and upset and ran away again. He gave chase and being clumsy, she tripped over her paws and crashed to the forest floor. At this time, her mentor had stopped and was just shouting at her to listen and come back. Veiledpaw laid on the ground a moment, crying silently before slinking back to camp. Well, the next day, she sat down outside the apprentices' den after waking up and shied away and gave a guarded look to her mentor when he approached her, hurt still lingering in her eyes. Pleading for forgiveness, Veiledpaw yelled at him that what he did wasn't right, that he should have known better than to joke about that since he was the only cat she'd told her horrid past to. He understood and again asked for forgiveness. Veiledpaw told him, "It depends... there are certain circumstances." Naturally, being a big puff ball of silliness, Shadowrain bowled her over and pinned her, flicking his tail over her nose, she sneezed and told him to stop. He kept doing it until she gave in and accepted his apology though she's still a bit wary and guarded for awhile.
During this time, she also bonded with her friend, Sheeppaw (now Sheepfrost). Learning a bit about him she soon found outshe really did like him for being him, not just because he was her only friend.
Warriorship
Now that she's a warrior, Veiledmoon still is bonding with Sheepfrost! Getting used to her new position as a warrior, also tends to be.... not punctual. Recently, she ran into her aunt Etherealwish in the forest late at night... that lead to some awkward conversation. Veiledmoon, in a state of mind so distraught and confused, told Etherealwish that she thought she loved Sheepfrost and also asked if StarClan even saw her as a clan cat that would join their ranks or if she was just a disposable life. Etherealwish didn't know how to respond to the love topic since she was forbidden to have one but quickly reassured her that StarClan saw her as one of them because she had trained long and hard to prove herself a clan warrior. After this, she no longer had much doubt, so she continued to expand her relationship with Sheepfrost. After awhile, they bonded enough and those simple words slipped out. "I love you." Finally deciding to be mates, it wasn't long before... Veiled got pregnant!
Queenhood
Veiledmoon's kitting was fun... not really. She pretty much slumped over randomly and gasped heavily before yelling at Sheepfrost to get Etherealwish, who didn't need to be fetched, cause she'd already noticed. Veiledmoon, as gentle and sweet as she usually is, did threaten Sheepfrost... "Sheepfrost, I swear, if you don't stop staring at me and make yourself useful, I will kill you with my own claws!" Oh... the joys of being mates <3
Anyways, four healthy kits were born, two she-kits, and two toms. Veiledmoon, being as tired as she was, just looked them over and barely managed to get a few ideas out before falling asleep. It was decided though, Moonkit, Nyxkit, Shroudedkit, and Blanckit, and in that moment, Veiledmoon felt like nothing could go wrong.
Disaster struck at the very heart of this little family not but a few moons after the kits had been born. Blanckit got deathly ill as leaf-bare was ending and soon died, his young body unable to fight off the illness, even with the help of herbs. Sheepfrost and Veiledmoon especially, were destroyed. For awhile, Veiledmoon became very fidgety and whiny about the slightest problems with the other three kits, not wanting StarClan to take anymore of them.
It didn't take long for more problems to be discovered. Moonkit had trouble hearing. Veiledmoon had called her name as it was getting dark and she'd thought Moonkit was ignoring her so she went up to her and gently repeated her name, still she wasn't even looked at. This concerned her and she kept subtly testing Moonkit's hearing and determined that the kit was hard at hearing, similarly to Sheepfrost, who was hard at hearing in one of his ears.
Then, Nyxkit had a problem. She was blind in one of her eyes. Veiledmoon noticed when she stood next to Nyxkit and when the kit turned, she shrieked and said she hadn't seen her. This terrified Veiledmoon that two of her three remaining kits had problems and she quickly investigated Shroudedkit.
He wouldn't speak. He refused to talk. A mute. She didn't enjoy his silence and still doesn't but has found her own way to understand a little bit of a way to speak with him and somewhat get a response with his body language. After this was solved, she found out that Nyxkit had been working with Moonkit on a 'secret code,' being little kits with imaginations and this system worked well.


Relationships
~~~~~~~

Dead

Adopted

Mother: Dakrey
Father: Smeric
Siblings: Threm(Is unknown existence)

Adopted Family
---------------
Mother: Ivorystrike Father: Sedgemask
Grandma: Dappledrose Grandma: Rainfeather
Grandpa: Ironclaw Grandpa: Shadowrain


Daughters Sons
Nyxkit Shroudedkit
Moonkit Blanckit
Vivacitykit (NPC)


Other Relationships
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mate/Crush	Best Friends	Friends	Acquaintances	Enemies	Mentor	Apprentices
~Sheepfrost	~Sheepfrost ~Shadowrain ~Etherealwish	~Drippingcloud	~Deerpaw (+/-) ~Pigeonflight (+) ~Rainfeather (+/-) ~Cherishhope (+/-) ~Lynxpaw (+)	~Smeric	~Shadowrain	~Lynxpaw (1st)

Other: Finished ^^

[⋆ Phia ⋆]

⋆Not yet accepted!

Well well I am going to be as objective as possible here- I left you edit this application after Wysteriastar's critique, but since I didn't see any brave changes, I will be pointing them out for you now. Just a few certain points that will need some rather drastic changes before Veiledmoon is good to go. ^-^

I am aware of your desire to keep your characters unique and graceful when it comes to appearance- I'm perfectly fine with that, but if you're going to have a flawless outside image for your character, personality should make up for it so that there's some sort of balance between assets and flaws. So personality! To begin with, I'd like you to pick out 5 or 6 traits and explain them thoroughly with details instead of flooding your personality with 10+ traits and giving a 2-line explanation for each trait. You're trying to let the reader know what your character is like here, so if traits collide, you're only getting us confused instead. ^-^ Friendly yet stubborn, stubborn yet sensitive, graceful and selfless yet easily driven out of control- creating contradictions is not how one develops a personality.

Friendly/selfless and trustworthy characters usually also possess people skills; they've learnt how to make sacrifices, and often value others more than themselves. Those who put others before themselves are not usually so stubborn- and if "stubborn" is the kind of stubborn where the character is mulish, sticking to what they believe... until someone calmly explains a different point of view and convinces them to change their mind. That's not so much "stubborn" as it is sticking to your guns instead of wilting like a flower in the face of opposition. Unless we're talking about a headstrong, self-centered character, "stubborn" doesn't really have a place here. Plus, if she's also graceful and sensitive, she'd be quite of a hypocrite to be driven out of control so easily. Veiledmoon is a lass with a "tragic" background, and usually those who have suffered the most are also those with the kindest of hearts. But since we're still talking about forest cats here, I'd like you to cut down on the drama a little bit so that Veiledmoon can get some unique flaws for herself. Get creative on that! ^-^

And now our next major point, the history. I understand it's interesting to give characters some dramatic backgrounds at times, but if you're going to do that, make sure you're not going overboard with it, else the fun is lost. Specifically- "Naturally, she broke plenty of bones in her small amount of time".. stop right there. 2 moons old kit breaking bones and not being fed properly. Dead, pronto. If that's altered, her stumbling upon HiddenClan and becoming accepted as an official part of the clan is fairly realistic; her parents didn't want kits in the first place, so not surprising they didn't go after her. Good job on that!

Next, fox encounters- details, details, details. Kits don't outrun foxes. I'd encourage reading through »Neoɴ's Cat Facts thread- foxes have been discussed before so you'll be able to find some info there. If you can pull off describing how Veiledkit realistically was rescued from the fox and Drippingcloud was able to defeat it alone, all shall be well! ^-^

As for relationships, no need for gigantic family trees. You can keep those for your log. Parents and siblings will do.

Veiled should be good to go after you've applied these changes!

---

⋆Accepted!

Vei: Now that's more like it! Her new personality is great- descriptive and accurate. Veiledmoon sounds like one heck of a she-cat! Totally looking forward to threading with you! ^-^ Feel free to start roleplaying her!

(There is one final tiny thing I'd like you to change before I move your application the accepted board; "When it gets to that point, she does contemplate suicide but she never goes for the idea because four names come to mind that stop her; Sheepfrost, Moonkit, Nyxkit, and Shroudedkit." I'll only remind you that we're writing about forest cats here, not middle school students. Cat minds don't function like ours, and I'd rather we kept all character personalities/histories a little less dramatic.)